When talking with someone, we try as much as we can to understand how they're feeling — their emotions — as this can shape how we approach the conversation. Sometimes we, and our friend, are uncomfortable with feelings and emotions. This can happen because:
- We think they're not important;
- Emotions can be erratic;
- They can be painful;
- They can reveal how we're travelling with others and with God;
- We can think they're a sign of weakness;
- They can make us feel guilty; and
- They're powerful and can frighten us.
A formula
The dominant feeling is often the one mentioned last in a person's story: "You feel … (feeling noun) … because … (paraphrase/summarise reason)." Always add a check — e.g. "Is that right?"
"You feel happy/excited/surprised because you've made some new friends here, and you weren't expecting to do so. Is that right?"
"I am hearing that you feel distressed/disempowered/sad because you no longer have control over your finances. Is that how it is for you?"
Identifying and reflecting feelings
A powerful way to show someone we've been listening to their story is to reflect the feelings they express.
- Feelings are neither "good" nor "bad" — they just happen. It's what we do with emotions that can cause problems; they're the source of many thoughts and actions.
- Identifying and reflecting feelings validates them. People often need help to recognise and accept their own feelings.
- Especially when grieving, a person may find emotions and their intensity frightening and difficult to identify and express. We can support them by giving permission to talk about their feelings, accepting them, and normalising them.
- An accurate reflection of feelings shows the person we're genuinely hearing them — though even an inaccurate reflection may help them explore and identify what's happening.
- Reflecting present-tense feelings is often most useful. This helps ground your friend in the present; they may identify past feelings, but how they experience them now can help normalise them.