We all have our own style of communication. Sometimes it's effective; at other times it can be very ineffective, if not hurtful and counterproductive — not always, and probably rarely, deliberate. Sometimes we say things without meaning them, or without being aware how another person might hear them. Below are a few styles, most of which are undesirable because they can be hurtful. We sometimes fall into these traps for lack of knowledge, understanding, or good judgement.
Traps to avoid
- Avoiding the real issue — better to face it directly. (Changing the topic, ignoring feelings.)
- Invalidating emotion — we shouldn't minimise a friend's difficulty. (Discounting — "That's nothing"; Contradicting — "You don't feel like that"; Reassuring — "Don't worry about it.")
- Providing solutions — better that a friend arrives at their own. (Ordering — "You have to…"; Threatening — "You'd better… or else"; Moralising — "You should…"; Suggesting — "Why don't you…"; Closed questions — "Did you…")
It's often better to ask something like "Have you thought of…?" — letting the person think for themselves.
Categorising your response
- Generalising — a response so general it takes the focus off the person's feelings.
- Moralising — rejects the person's feelings and suggests how they ought to feel.
- Dogmatic — often a religious response implying how a person should feel.
- Probing — questions that explore feelings or attitudes (avoid inquisitorial responses, as these can become offensive).
- Empathic — responds to emotional content.
Many of these would be good directions to take in a conversation, and many wouldn't be. Try to think of your own examples and reflect on how appropriate each might be in specific situations.